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ROUND FOUR / BEST DIALOGUE SCENE SUBMISSIONS
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Holli Bertram
Ann Arbor, MI |
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Round Four Elimination
CURSES!
(Paranormal)
Dialogue Scene:
Julie paused, a box of pasta in her hand, and eyed Harry with suspicion.
"Does this have something to do with you wanting to have sex with me?"
"Yes." He sounded grim.
"It's not going to happen."
"It has to happen. Would it make a difference if I told you that you'd
enjoy yourself?"
"Oh, please." Julie shook her head.
"You'd probably get offended if I offered you reimbursement for your
services."
"You think?"
He ran a hand through his hair in a motion she was beginning to recognize
as frustration.
"I thought Americans weren't as hung up about sex as they used to be."
"Where did you hear that? Of course we are." She stuffed all of the now
empty plastic bags into one bag and shoved them under the sink. She
straightened. "You've been watching American television, haven't you?"
"Everyone watches American television."
"Yeah, well, remember we're not all like the women in Sex and the City
reruns. Television is fantasy." Just like the delusions buzzing around
inside your head, handsome man.
Harry took a step toward her, his face intent. "What is fantasy, Julie?"
"I know you have that word in England. You're from the land of Tolkien and
J.K. Rowling."
When he continued to watch her, waiting, she elaborated. "Fantasy is
make-believe. Pretend. Dragons and magic." She waved her hands in the air.
"Happily ever after."
"What if I told you dragons once existed?" He took a step closer.
"I'd ask for fossil evidence."
"What if I told you magic exists now?"
"I'd say prove it." He stood so near she could smell him, an elusive scent
that made her think of dark mysterious forests and clear-running streams.
His voice lowered. "What if I said happily ever after is a possibility?"
"I'd say you've never been married." The words came out as a whisper.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- This exchange is fine. Nothing earth-shaking but a serviceable bit of
dialogue. You could have chosen a scene with more spark to really wow us.
Hopefully this is not as good as it gets.
Hilary Ross -- Americans are not as hung up on sex as they used to be? It's not like it's
the 1960s and he's referring to the '50s.
Leslie Kazanjian -- This exchange has it all: humor, wit, sexual tension and even a touch of
poignancy. Well done.
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Trish Milburn
Hermitage, TN |
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OUT OF SIGHT
(Paranormal)
Dialogue Scene:
Jenna shoved Daniel into the river.
He came up coughing and cursing. When he secured his footing on the
slippery rocks, he shoved his drenched hair out of his face. "Why the hell
did you do that?"
"It's the only way I could be sure you weren't wired. And even if you are,
it's probably fried now."
"Along with your brain. Damn, you are the most paranoid woman I've ever
met."
"I seriously doubt that."
"At the moment, all others escape me."
"Well, maybe I am, but you people made me that way! I'm constantly paranoid
someone's watching me."
"Think rationally, if that's possible. Why would I be wired when I can just
tell them what you say?"
She had no answer other than she was losing her mind.
Daniel slogged through the water, pulling himself from the Potomac.
"Stay there," Jenna said.
"Or what? You'll shoot me and let my corpse float downriver? You would've
already done that if you had a gun."
"You sound pretty confident."
Daniel spread his arms. "Go ahead."
She stepped back out of his reach in case he had the bright idea of dumping
her in the water.
When Daniel stepped onto the bank, he ripped open his shirt to expose his
chest.
Jenna's breath caught, and her pulse boomed against her eardrums as she
stared at his expanse of smooth, toned and very, very wet skin.
Daniel pulled the shirt off and tossed it to her. It hit with a watery
splat. He lifted his arms and spun around.
"See, no wire. Do I need to take off the rest?"
"No!"
He lowered his arms and stared at her so long, she turned her gaze to the
river. When she looked back to him, she expected to see his cocky grin, not
concern.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Eh, average. Daniel seems fairly smart enough to hold attention for a whole
book, but Jenna's a tad whiny and unimpressive here.
Hilary Ross -- Effective dialogue as well as a sexy scene.
Leslie Kazanjian -- This spirited exchange conveys much about the characters in a lively,
entertaining way. Brava.
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Helen Scott Taylor
Plymouth, Devon, UK |
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THE MAGIC KNOT
(Paranormal)
Dialogue Scene:
"I believe you have something to tell me," Niall said as he grabbed a
fistful of Michael's shirt, hauled him out of his seat and shoved him
toward the back door.
"Hey, watch the coffee, boyo," Michael grumbled as Niall propelled him
outside into the sharp, clear autumn morning. "You got out of an empty bed
again, I'll wager."
Niall walked to the corner of the building and stared at the glassy surface
of the river. "Sex is not the answer to every question."
Michael came up beside him and flashed a grin. "Naw. But get enough sex,
and all those troublesome little questions float out of your mind
entirely."
When would his brother grow up? With a resigned sigh, Niall eased back
against the wall. "Why did you not tell me you'd defaulted on the loan?"
Michael shrugged, lit his cigarette and blew a stream of blue smoke into
the crisp morning air. "Tis always the same with you. You're always after
being in control."
"How do you intend to rid us of the lass poking around in the office? Tis a
genuine miracle if you know where your last three years' accounts are."
"Don't need them, boyo. Don't need them. I'm going to work a little magic
on the lass. After a few nights in me bed, she won't give a jot for the
accounts."
Niall stared at Michael incredulously. "Rose Tremain is not some
starry-eyed tourist you can bounce on your bed and pack off home with a
sparkle in her eye. Don't even think about using your glamour on her."
Michael stared at his feet and kicked a tuft of grass. "Truth be told, I
gave the lass a taste when she first stepped foot in the place."
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Interesting, aside from them sounding a bit like a Lucky Charms commercial.
Niall is the hero, yet Michael seems leagues more intriguing here.
Hopefully you're planning a sequel for him.
Hilary Ross -- Well-worked-out conflict.
Leslie Kazanjian -- With the hero's "love interest" offstage, this passage offers provocative
hints about the book's main characters, the potential complexities of their
relationship and the obstacles likely to arise between them.
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Mai Christy Thao
Chester, SC |
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Round Four Elimination
PRINCE OF DARKNESS
(Paranormal)
Dialogue Scene:
"I must go."
"You can't leave, Kym´rin. You've yet to fulfill your promise."
He tensed. "I told you never to call me that."
"Why, Kym´rin? Why deny who you are? Do you no longer wish to claim that
name and the past that comes with it? Or is it me you no longer wish to
acknowledge?"
"Cease this nonsense."
"Nonsense?" She stepped away. "Aye, my existence is nonsense. All my life
I've fought for what I believed was right. I fought for us against the
nay-sayings of the world, against our families, against the Fates. And now,
against even you."
"Kym´rin is dead. There's nothing left of the man you once loved."
She dug into her skirt and before he knew what she was about, her dagger
came flying at him. He didn't flinch. The weapon barely missed his ear by a
hair's width and embedded itself in the wall behind him. He had to give her
credit. Before the curse, she hadn't known how to throw a blade.
Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bright. Her skin shimmered with
something iridescent and he realized she'd released her powers. It crackled
in the air, thick and tense.
The Darkness in him stirred in response to her magick, shifting beneath his
skin.
She looked straight at him with those sightless eyes. "You lie. You have
secrets. You run from them but they will forever remain with you."
"Aye, they will forever remain with me."
She turned away, her shoulders slumped. "Leave. Just leave."
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Angsty and speechifying, eh? Watch the drama levels before you end up with
an overwrought melodrama.
Hilary Ross -- Fairly routine dialogue -- and how can she manage to throw a knife at
Khm´rin and miss him by a hair when she is blind?
Leslie Kazanjian -- This scene would be improved without its defeatist last line, but it still
signals drama, intensity and intrigue at the story's core. Nicely done.
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