Holli Bertram
Ann Arbor, MI |
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CURSES!
(Paranormal)
First Line:
"This is a bloody inconvenient time to be placed under a curse," Harrison
Chevalier commented as he closed the Council report on demon activity and
put it on his desk.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- This first line sort of smacks of contrivance and exposition. It's a little
too much summation, not enough grabby hook for an opener.
Hilary Ross -- Decent enough, makes you want to know what the curse is.
Leslie Kazanjian -- Along with the book's title, I find this quite a clever opening line,
demonstrating understated wit and undeniable whimsy to come.
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P.E. Cunningham
Ephrata, PA |
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Round One Elimination
A TOUCH OF HEAVEN
(Paranormal)
First Line:
The imp came at me out of nowhere.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Eh, Imps are strange I guess, but in a paranormal it's par for the course.
You need to go further to hook the reader and make your opener more
substantial and interesting.
Hilary Ross -- Dramatic in a moderate way, does make you want to know what happens next.
Leslie Kazanjian -- This opening line epitomizes "short and sweet" along with a soupcon of
sassy. Quite amusing.
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Mel Hiers
Smyrna, TN |
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VOICE OF THE BARD
(Contemporary Fantasy)
First Line:
Anna Martin tripped on the sidewalk leading up to the door of 114 Riverside
Drive.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Dreadful! This may be the very definition of "who cares?" Why would you
start with this unnecessary bit of description? Even if it's pivotal to the
plot (perhaps it leads to her breaking her foot and falling into the arms
of the hero), there has to be a more compelling entrance to your story.
Hilary Ross -- Not overly dramatic or startling; works well enough.
Leslie Kazanjian -- What a wonderful opening line. I love the luckless Anna already and can't
wait to read more about her misadventures!
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Savanna Kougar
Kingsville, MO |
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Round One Elimination
MURDER BY HAIR SPRAY IN GARDENIA, NEW ATLANTIS
(Futuristic Mystery Romance)
First Line:
The evil cloud of hair spray dominated the air in guest room 666 at
Gardenia's only motel, The Eternal Magnolia -- so named because it was
surrounded by a park-like acre of magnolia trees, saved despite the
cataclysmic weather, wars and land changes on Earth.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Whew, take a deep breath, honey! That is one long opening sentence. I'd
split in two after the hotel name to make it more of a dramatic build. The
quirky premise, though, could be promising.
Hilary Ross -- If you can use hair spray on your hair without any ill effects, why is it
evil?
Leslie Kazanjian -- If the author ended her sentence after the word "motel," this would be a
fabulous and funny opening line.
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Anitra Lynn McLeod
Salt Lake City, UT |
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THIEF
(Futuristic Western)
First Line:
Everything felt wrong the instant Captain Jace Lawless boarded the derelict
ship; his gut told him to skedaddle, but his empty wallet forced him to
stick around.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Getting a very Joss Whedon-Firefly vibe. And skedaddle? Funny. The hero's
name is a bit over the top though.
Hilary Ross -- The inappropriate use of the humorous word "skedaddle" (instead of "leave"
or "flee," etc.) is jarring but otherwise the sentence works well enough.
Leslie Kazanjian -- Ominous and atmospheric -- this is a very catchy opening.
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Trish Milburn
Hermitage, TN |
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OUT OF SIGHT
(Paranormal)
First Line:
Jenna figured that if you stood in enough lines at the bank, you'd
eventually be there at the same time as a guy with a gun.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Good start. It's funny (who hasn't stood in a bank line or 12?) and it gets
right to the action.
Hilary Ross -- I think her reasoning is a bit faulty given the thousands and thousands of
banks versus robbers.
Leslie Kazanjian -- I love this opening -- it promises attitude and action galore!
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Lexie O'Neill
Goose Creek, SC |
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BACKWOODS INVADER
(Paranormal Romance)
First Line:
"I hate you." The female's voice shook, and Treynan ran his fingers down
her slim throat.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- You're starting the story too late. A little more context, before they
start getting it on, please.
Hilary Ross -- Dramatic but rather inauspicious-sounding opener.
Leslie Kazanjian -- Spooky, scary, sexy and dramatic, this is one fine opening line.
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Helen Scott Taylor
Plymouth, Devon, UK |
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THE MAGIC KNOT
(Paranormal)
First Line:
Roughly translated, the slogan on Niall O'Connor's family crest read: "We
need all the help the gods can give us."
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Funny line, casts the hero as a likable underdog right from the start.
Nicely done.
Hilary Ross -- Provocative enough opening to lead the reader into the story.
Leslie Kazanjian -- This opening line is short and sweet and packs the proverbial punch. Very
nice!
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Mai Christy Thao
Chester, SC |
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PRINCE OF DARKNESS
(Paranormal)
First Line:
The dagger cut through the air like the dull blade of a garden hoe on hard
ground, graceless and uneven.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- This analogy is both wordy and a little vague. The comparison to the dull
blade/garden hoe/tough ground doesn't give an immediate clear picture of
what the dagger is doing. Thus the extra adjectives to explain it. The best
analogies are sharp and easy to process. You don't want to slow readers
down with your opening sentence.
Hilary Ross -- This metaphor is extremely strained and hence also ineffective.
Leslie Kazanjian -- This is a very visual opening line, unusual and wordy yet oddly appealing.
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Evonne Wareham
Barry, South Wales, UK |
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OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND
(Paranormal Romantic Suspense)
First Line:
It was a dark and dirty alley and a very expensive dress.
Judges' Comments:
Flavia Knightsbridge -- Not bad. It's short and to the point but gives a hint of mischief. You
could go a little further, make the dress part funnier possibly.
Hilary Ross -- Pretty good; sets the scene.
Leslie Kazanjian -- I love this opening sentence--it's simple, visual, and immediately piques
my curiosity.
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